Storm-Proof

Translation:

29^th Mon, 108 -16mins. No OAPs. Hairdryer start today. Grey. 2 Quality Street for breakfast. Peter Storm, I’m thinking of Peter Storm left in the sun. The magazine and say a real Peter Storm, say. No OAPs etc.

30^th Tues. No OAPs etc. 108 – 17min. Sun – cold. Hairdryer in bed.

Interpretation of the translation:

On Monday 29^th I managed 108 pull-ups in 16 minutes; but I didn’t do any on one arm (a shoulder injury or just too heavy?). I had the hairdryer on in bed (did I wake up with it on? Had it been on all night?). It was a grey day and I breakfasted on 2 sweets. Was Peter Storm, my waking thought, the froth of a forgotten dream? Notice the size of the text has doubled where I’m talking/thinking about Storms; the text occupies the remainder of the day (which appears to have ended badly without me having done a one-arm-pull-up.

On Tuesday 30^th I still can’t do any one-arm-pull-ups but I do 108 two-armed, in 16 minutes. It’s cold and sunny and I’m in bed with the hairdryer again - and throughout the rest of the week I don’t appear to give another thought to Peter Storm.

So who is Peter Storm? I know of two Peter Storms; but which one is the real Peter Storm, the one that stormed my mind? Let’s revisit the original text: “I’m thinking of Peter Storm left in the sun. The magazine and say a real Peter Storm, say”.

Was I thinking of Peter Storm the chief Executive Officer of “Peter Storm Jewelry”, a seasoned professional in the jewelry industry with over 25 years in the business? “I design sensual jewelry for women to wear and treasure, pieces to be worn every day of their lives”, says Californian born, Peter Storm. 

This would explain my thinking of “a real Peter Storm left in the sun”. Yes, a real diamond radiating light – floating on my wedding finger - that fits. And the diamonds could also explain “Say a real Peter Storm, say”: the diamonds would have to be 'real'. At this point it’s worth quoting a bite of Storm’s advertising blurb (from a magazine advertisement) in full: A major theme in all Peter Storm’s designs is illusion. The diamonds in each of his pieces are presented to speak for themselves. His use of shadow and space allows the eye to focus on the diamonds and nothing else. Peter Storm is the first designer to create “Floating Diamonds”, princess cut diamonds set point to point, that appear to float with no visible metal holding the stones. All his designs are special in their simplicity and drama… Each diamond has its own distinct identity against the flesh tones of the wearer. The look combines the elegance of natural skin and the radiance of “Naked” diamonds”.

No, I must have been thinking about the other Peter Storm, the company that specializes in cheap waterproof and thermal clothing for walking, sailing and golf; Peter Storm, the manufacturer of cagoules, long johns and nylon trousers. Peter Storm wasn’t even its founder’s real name. One Noel Bibby started the company in 1954 and called it Storm for obvious reasons. But the Peter was more problematic; he agonized over Brian, Terry, Colin, Arthur and Connor before settling on Peter; and Peter Storm are still keeping us wet – yes - wet: even though their nylon products are rainproof they have a tendency to cause you sweat profusely: sweat they keep in. Go into any Blacks or Millets and discretely slip you hand down the front of the waterproof trousers worn by the Peter Storm-sealed manikins (and they are easy to spot – they’re usually in bright blue or orange) and you’ll be sure to pull your palm out again, sweaty.

In the early 1980’s, I read two climbing magazines: “Mountain” and “Climber & Rambler”. The back-covers of both journals were almost identical every month - full-bleed adverts for Peter Storm cagoules. I searched though my back-issues of both magazines and acted upon my strange journal entry "I'm thinking of Peter Storm in the sun. The magazine..." I put one magazine inside the other and left them on my windowsill for a year.

Peter Storm facing the sun

Peter Storm kept in the dark
The Peter Storm inside Peter Storm

But I’m not content to either bask in the sun or hide in the dark: I want to experience the eye of the storm. I have to meet the real Peter Sorm. I’m going to check the phonebook. I’m going to blind-call every P. Storm: “Hello, am I speaking to Peter Storm?” If a Patrick, Paul or Percy answers I’ll hang up (P-off?). But when I do get on to a real Peter Storm, I’m going to ask him if owns a Peter Storm cagoule. If he’s a ‘wearer’ I’m going to ask if I can photograph him in the cagoule (in the style of an old Peter Storm advert). If he doesn’t wear any Peter Storm products I’m going to ask him why on earth not?  I’ll even offer to buy him a cagoule on the condition that he lets me photograph him wearing it. He can be photographed with the hood up if he so chooses, but it has to be the real Peter Storm inside Peter Storm. 

Storm stalking disguise

If he asks "why?" Or "what for?" I’ll tell him I need ‘Storm-Proof’. And if he says he wear’s a cagoule but refuses to be photographed in it, I’ll stalk him whenever it rains; I'll be heavily disguised in Peter Storm gear  – stalk a Storm in a Storm in a storm: Peter Storm stalking Peter Storm. He exists all right, and I’m going to find him – the man born Peter Storm. You’ve probably passed him in the rain – an ordinary, average looking middle-aged character (could smell) in an orange cagoule. He breathes. He sweats; and beneath the nylon veneer his skin and bones and vital organs are all Peter Storm too; he’s Peter Storm through and through. But I’ve got to have proof; I need it to be Storm-proof.