A Real Camp Cut

Had my hair cut in a tent once, out of boredom, it had rained for three days solid. I’ve had some ‘camp cuts’ in my time, but this was a real camp cut. My virgin hairdresser’s a Forester (he’d just missed the right vocation). Wish we’d videoed it. Not the cut, just an unedited view of the tent - pitched in a meadow full of sheep in need of a sheer - filmed from the outside. The footage would have shown me crawling, disappearing into the tent – longhaired - like a caveman. Then there’d be one long take – no cuts - of the tent rippling, sheep grazing. Needed sound though – loud; sound of sheep eating, competing with the noise of scissors snipping. After about twenty minutes I poke my deforested-head out. The sheep scatter in fright. Cut to credits.

I make a point of never going to the same hairdresser twice. The hair’s always greener on the other mower. Redder once. I’m in Deadlock and Barnett; I’ve declined wax and gel but don’t manage get out of the chair quick enough to avoid the tomato ketchup. Heinz. “I’m just going to give you a quick squirt”, said senior stylist, Gary; he goes on to assure me, "ketchup’s a wonderful conditioner". It looks like he’s split my head open. But Gary was right: ketchup is better on the head than on the plate; the kind of conditioner Salome should have massaged into the head of John The Baptist. So next time I need a haircut I break my rule and go back to saucy Gary, at Deadlock and Barnett. He finishes the cut, shows me the back of my head through a mirror, but then instead of saying tomato, he says, Main and Tail? But with the noise of the hairdryer I misheard him. I thought he’d said, heads or tails? What are we tossing over? I ask. 

That was seven years ago and I’ve been conditioning my hair with ‘Canter Main and Tail’ conditioner ever since (you can get it from all good equestrian suppliers). I might not know what not to wear on a horse, but I now know what to wear on my hair. Canter Main and Tail, for a glossy tail (hair) that remains tangle-free with a silky sheen: spray on top and brush or comb through well. For best results, shampoo first with Gallop Shampoo. It’s easy to use; results last up to two weeks, there’s no mess, and it doesn’t look half as odd a bottle of Heinz Tomato ketchup does in the bathroom cabinet.