Saturday, 10 October 2009

What did the Dean mean?

"Cigar?", said the kindly Dean. "And take those golf tees out of your nose before you light up, or the scent of this Cuban beauty will be wasted on you." My punishment ( a regular form of punishment in golf course management) was to 'sneeze tees.' I'd spent the last twenty four hours with a golf tee inserted up each nostril (sharp end first), and for the next twenty four I had to be seen (by the Dean and my peers) to be using the very same golf tees as tooth picks. "I'll come straight to the point," the Dean continued as we blew smoke at one another."If you didn't hold a certificate in Ladder Awareness (the Dean had one on his office wall too, in a gold frame) you really would be in the bunker. You really did score a hole in one, that exchange student from Portugal is still in a coma. Atomizing students and staff is all very well but I'm going to have to get you to fill out a Molecule Evaluation form. Once you've done so screw it up and deposit it in the ninth hole at Sandwich, nobody will read it there, and remember to claim travel expenses." The Dean got up, went over to his ironing board and pulled a slip of paper from under the iron. "What do you make of this?" he hissed.

I put on my special Visiball glasses and tried to decipher the text. "I think it says Test Tube Baby, where did you find it?" "Screwed up in the sixteenth hole here on the university's own golf course, it was mistaken for a golf ball at first." But what does it mean? I asked the Dean. "It can only mean one thing, somebody, possibly even one of our own Pro's, is mating with our holes, the university's very own eighteen flag-flying orifices. I'm going to get every hole DNA tested asap." I left the Dean with a mixed emotions; is it illegal to mate with a golf hole when it's under sixteen? (but regulations state that there can't be more than eighteen holes on a course, leaving only two you could legally do it with - some courses have only nine holes! Worse still, golf course management degree could be trying to manufacture its own students (surely an activity the Dean would be all for) thus rendering recruitment a thing of the past. I feel awful, I feel as bad as I did, the day I found out Bob Dylan played golf.

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